The Parts that Hide

I am deep in meditation.  There are four women surrounding me. My hands are chained. I want to get away from them. I’m terrified at the way they look and smell and talk. They have old crinkly skin and harsh raspy voices. “We have all been married and we have all been divorced and you are not going anywhere!”

 

When I come out of this meditation, I am completely freaked the fuck out.  Are these women the thought forms and energies that have been keeping me from fully stepping into love through partnership?

 

This week has been a rough one. I found myself crying and feeling the pain of my latest failed relationship. We were good for each other and loved each other unconditionally for the first three years, but then the same thing happened. I have been going at this since I was 12 years old and I am exhausted. Every time a new love presents itself I am thrilled to no end. The excitement feels amazing. I just know that this is the one, the one that will be my eternal love. Then all of a sudden after months or years with this person, I just shut down. I can’t do the relationship anymore. No particular reason, just done.

 

Of course my mother calls when I can barely speak, but the words that came forth are “What if I can’t ever do this?  What if I can’t ever let anyone love me?”

 

She replies and says, “Well, that has been your choice. You have not wanted to get married. If you wanted to get married you would have.”  As much as I want that to be true and as much as I want it to be that simple, it’s just not.

 

So for a week, I allowed myself to cry. I allowed myself to feel the pain of the fear of being alone forever. I investigated my consciousness through hours of meditation and I am pretty sure I found some sort of answer this morning. I am frozen at the core. I am held prisoner, with no escape, by the ancient ghosts of divorce.

 

I was raised by my great-grandmother and she was something special. Her humor would have you laughing till you would almost pee in your pants. She was the one person in my life that I went to for comfort and love throughout my whole childhood. She had also  been divorced, twice. As long as I can remember she was always telling me about how awful men were. “You think they are gonna love you forever and then just like that, they will leave. They might come back but only because they want something.” I can hear her voice like it was yesterday. Had her voice been unconsciously trapped in my psyche?

 

The thing about making choices in  life is that most of us are choosing from an unconscious place. We may try and try to do something different, to make better choices, to show up in a completely different way, but if we don’t move the unconscious energies and thought forms then how are we supposed to do that? I know that by making different choices the energy will have no choice but to shift, but that is really hard to do. It’s almost like a chicken-or-the-egg situation. Which comes first? Shifting the internal awareness to create a different outcome, or changes the external to shift the internal energies.

 

All I know is that for me, meditation has brought me into a place of acceptance and allowed me to really see what’s in there.  By dropping into myself, I’m able to really see what’s holding me back from making better choices for my life. Layer upon layer, I dissolve the stories and the mythologies that keep me from creating the life that I want to live. I feel excited by my discovery of these scary ladies who have been holding me back from having the kind of relationship that I’ve always wanted. I feel like this break in energy is going to open me up in a completely different way.  My sadness is shifting into power. I feel it reorganizing at the deepest level of my being. I know that the chains that have bound me are being broken apart by my internal strength.

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